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Writer's pictureThad McKraken

Elite Psi Ops Recruit the King of Slackers


3/8/2023 -


I'm in the same resort I keep finding myself in (the one with the drug tunnel to Mexico) and I'm with a group of several other unspecified peeps. We're scouting out this facility that's adjacent to the resort that we're planning to rob with some sort of odd, seemingly psychic surveillance technology. Except that as we're doing this, we realize that another faction is already robbing the place and doing so with great panache I must say. They're sliding down from the ceiling on ropes wearing all black with classic Hollywood heist type efficiency.


"Fuuuuck!"


We think to ourselves. The issue is that since we were casing this joint at the exact moment these other people were robbing it, we're going to look like prime suspects when the police start investigating the heist. That ain't good.


I briefly wake up from this and am now back under. We've tracked one of the thieves and he's running away quickly through a tropical jungle type environment wearing a military camouflage style Spider Man suit. We're on it, so I don my actual Spider Man suit and start the chase. Words can barely describe how amazing this all feels. I'm moving at breakneck superhuman pace swinging through all these trees and closing in on the dude rapidly.


I finally jump and grab him mid air, while intentionally twisting him to the side and throwing him onto the ground while holding him in a half nelson.


"Now!"


I yell and with that, another one of my compatriots swoops in and injects him with a syringe to temporarily put him down. What a fucking rush.


The next thing I remember I'm snuggling with my dogs in some foreign room, except there's an extra fluffy dog snuggling with me. It has white puffy fur and I pleasantly fall back under thinking nothing of it. I feel the thing get up off the bed and now my friends who are sleeping in the same room are freaking the fuck out.


"Holy shit! There's a fucking possum in the room with us!"


This wakes me up with a start. Jesus, that thing was sleeping right next to my dogs and could have freaking killed them. We're all sort of weirded out so we call the hotel maintenance dude. He shows up and starts tearing up the foundation of the room while adding a layer of bricks that's designed to keep the possum out. I look and see that the thing has a large mouse hole directly linked to the suite and am not entirely sure the guy's solution is going to work.


"Whatever."


I think to myself though and we all head out of the hotel. While viewing it from the outside I'm realizing it's just as shitty as it is on the inside. It's this rather run down tan building that appears to be in some unspecified third world country. I remember that someone at the last resort recommended this to us quite specifically and I'm wondering if we ever should have respected the opinion of this person. Then I remember what a bargain the joint is and I'm sort of like, well, you get what you pay for I suppose.


I do realize that there is apparently a free breakfast included with the room though so we all head there. It's a buffet style set up with a decent spread. They have pancakes but when I try to pour syrup on mine, the syrup bottle breaks and syrup spills absolutely everywhere. I'm rather embarrassed but an attendant quickly shows up and apologizes. That syrup bottle has been on the fritz forever and they probably should have replaced it by now.


I eat my pancakes as they creepily shrivel on my plate and now we're out leisurely exploring the area. It has a very tropical Mediterranean vibe (although I've never been anywhere near the Mediterranean). There's this huge jetty composed of black rocks and we start traversing them in route to the water. When we get to the waterline I can tell that it's this gorgeous deep dark sun drenched water that's incredibly warm. Two of my compatriots, one man and one rather attractive woman with dark hair immediately jump in for a swim but I have reservations about it because I'm wearing a pair of fairly expensive LeBrons. With this I realize that there's an elderly middle eastern looking woman standing next to me who apparently works at the hotel and offers to watch my shoes for me if I'm inclined to take a dip. I say no because I'm genuinely uncomfortable with the prospect of people serving me in this context. Like, nah, having people wait on me hand and foot is creepy but thanks though.


And with that I start heading back to the hotel but before I can get there I'm accosted by these cops and put in handcuffs. What the fuck? I haven't committed any crimes. What the hell is this even about? The prospect of dealing with the justice system in a third world country is not something I'm optimistic about and I have no idea why I'm even being accosted in the first place.


They throw me in an old school bus with a bunch of other detainees wearing the classic orange prison garb and we sit silently in route to wherever the hell they're taking us. When we get there we're going through basic intake procedures and they're making us all step on a large digital scale. When I do the guy sees my weight, jokingly asks if I work out which I reply that I do. This is very funny to him for unknown reasons.


But when I get off the scale everything has changed. We're not wearing hand cuffs anymore and our orange prison jumpsuits have turned into green military style jumpsuits. There is an understanding. I'm not being arrested, I'm being recruited into an elite military division who only accepts the best of the best. The guy in front of me looks back smiling.


"Your friends are morons."


He tells me, and then explains that he watched them abandon a yacht mid voyage the other evening, which then just crashed into the shore.


It's all coming together. Oh yeah, when I chased down and took out their Spider Man spook. I must have impressed them. The guy who gave us the tip about the crappy resort? They were playing us the entire time and this was the end game.


As I'm pulling into a liminal state I'm informed that this all has to do with the "sacred fire" visions from a few days back. Jesus. Who the fuck am I working for exactly?






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