3/25/2021 -
In a trance state I suddenly find myself in this odd interconnected almost like living ort cloud/synapse field. It looks like I'm immersed in these pinkish hued alien cloudscapes and there are crystalline light pulsars shining through them. It's all very beautiful but things get a bit odd when it's explained to me what I'm looking at, which is?
A diagram of my own bullshit essentially. Whatever guide I have in this scenario starts showing me how all these intricate layers of the cloud looking things represent the delicate weavings of lies I tell myself to exist in our society. What's shocking is how dense and intricate they are. There's sort of this: You see, you made up this story to avoid this reality, then that narrative correlates to this, which is now a whole new thread. It's all stemming from your fundamental denial about this particular thing. The truths appear to be like the stars shining light through the clouds, and the strands of the clouds are all the intertwined lies I've made up to explain my own behavior to myself.
Jesus, there's just so much of it and in a nutshell it can be boiled down to: To exist in your backassward culture you've created an insanely complicated web of nonsense to explain your existence as a person. Here's a fun diagram explaining just how complicated that ridiculous shit actually is on an unconscious level.
Where it gets funny is that they're sort of going through the strings of it a bit to illuminate the insane detail and after a while of doing this the point is:
You'll never break free from all that, it's too thick. It'd be impossible to unweave it all and free you.
Now, this is where most people would get sort of depressed as you know, I'm essentially being shown precisely how totally full of crap everything about my human personality actually is. But it has the opposite effect. It's calming. I'm not supposed to break free, they set all this up for a very specific reason and it's working as intended. It's probably what keeps me from drowning in the oceans of crazy.
I leave this vision thinking, yeah, that's why it's so hard to get through to anyone, isn't it? Human psychology is something else. There's this whole web of completely incorrect narratives people are telling themselves that are often impenetrable. You can unravel one thread, but it's tied to a thousand others. In the next few days I find myself in situations where I'm forced to confront exactly what they were showing me.
Oh yeah, this one weird behavior I have really has to do with my deep rooted frustrations involving this other situation I have very little control over, isn't it? A part of me knows this, and yet I go out of my way to ignore it. Wow, just wow.
Our entire personalities in this realm are little more than elaborately crafted artifice, aren't they? We all sort of know this on a certain level but we do what now? Make up elaborate stories to explain to ourselves why we behave as if they're not.
The one thing else I'll add here is that while I'm mentioning how calming this experience was, for about the next near month I had no interest in chatting with anyone. I wasn't depressed or anything, I just wanted to suck into my own microverse for a bit.
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