4/1/2023 -
No dreams tonight for the first time in nearly a month and a half. Unlike the other 2 times so far, I don't have a great explanation as to why this happened. The one thing I will say is that I was getting into a pretty deep dream state when my wife left to go grab groceries and her shutting the back door as she left the townhouse pulled me out of it. The fact that it's also the night of April Fools is sort of funny.
4/2/2023 -
While falling asleep in a liminal state I'm having this spectral conversation where some entity is jokingly explaining to me how fucked I'd be without my wife. I must confess I was in a pretty spectacular doom spiral before I met her, which I now know had at least something to do with a chemical imbalance caused by an auto-immune disease. Again, I can't say I was conceptualizing the extreme lows of that point in my life as having to do with a chemical imbalance but I suppose I have to re-assess everything.
On the dream front, once again with the high school memories. 3 nights out of 4 with dreams making me re-conceptualize my high school years. This time it's a very brief dream where I'm hanging out with this absolute douchebag who I was really good friends with for my first couple years of high school and then not really friends with at all by the end (mostly on account of him being a douchebag). I suppose I should re-assess this weird chapter in my life through the lens of being mentally unbalanced AF as well. I can definitely see how this friendship wasn't great for my self confidence, particularly my confidence with women. Why? Because he was a really good looking guy and every time we met women they'd fall for him and act like I didn't even exist as a romantic option.
As a matter of fact, there were at least a few occasions where these women he was dating would call and constantly talk to me, tell me how he was an idiot and I was way cooler, but of course you know, looks. Who cares if I had the better personality right? It did not matter. This actually happened more than once, which is crazy. Yeah, that's not great for anyone's confidence. Also, was I only friends with him because he was good looking in the first place? I'm sure it had something to do with it, which is what the dream seemed to be pointing out to me in a way. The theme seems to be that my massive and quite literal chemical imbalance truly did have a lot to do with way more of the sordidness in my romantic past than I was consciously acknowledging. Fair point. There's also definitely a theme of how the crass superficiality of human romance leads to suffering. Would I be with my wife if she wasn't gorgeous? Would any woman have ever dated me if it wasn't for my biceps? We are but talking monkeys.
I'd say I wonder what happened to that guy but sadly I know. He ended up becoming a racist cop. No shit.
4/3/2023 -
First I have this vision where these flying orange solar entities are hurling black balls of yin energy from high on the astral plane at the human's below and this is presented as a bowling metaphor. The people are the pins, the black energy are the bowling balls, and the solar energy beings are the bowlers.
Later in the night I am directly involved with this process. I've bonded to a particular human and saddled him with a giant mass of dark negative energy that looks like a huge swirling circle of black smoke. When I do this I think to myself:
"Geez, that's a lot. That very well might kill him."
I pause for a second to contemplate my actions, then laugh.
"I suppose it'd be funnier if it did."
And with that I fly off. Ahh, the years of my life I spent trying to kill myself with booze and pills on an unconscious level. The amount of times I was shown how I was tied to a potent mass of dark energy. In a way, I really was possessed and I didn't understand any of it until just recently.
Do you know what people with Hashimoto's disease and other thyroid issues did before the late 50's? Nothing, there was no treatment. They suffered miserably until they died. The fact that I'm still alive and not in jail somewhere is sort of a goddamn miracle.
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